Wednesday, September 29, 2004

C H I C A G O !

Chicago Rocks! No doubt about it, I had such a nice time there. It was a trip that I really needed, not for the vacations, but to see and enjoy some of great time in many months together with great people. It was food for my soul. Stories will be coming soon, now I'm just going to fall in Morpheus' arms -meaning, I'm falling asleep as I type.

Prost!

Wednesday, September 22, 2004

C H I C A G O !

Yes, ladies and gentleman of the jury, the person in front of you will be taken off tomorrow morning to the 'windy city', CHICAGO! No, I ain't going to attend Oprah's show for a free car, I'm going to one of my good friend's wedding.

Well, there will be a lot of last minute running, lots and lots of drinking and perhaps after that some more drinking and then just one last shot of Tequila before hiring a cab to finish up that nice bottle of wine that I have at home and honey com'on let's go to my place and I'll make you see stars, the whole milky way yeah, hell yes! you know what I'm talking about and yes you're so beautiful... by the way you said your name was...? fuck yes, no names no guilt, cheers!

Ladies and Gentleman, I'll be back sometime next week! Cheers!

Test

If this find its way to my blogger, then this shit works. If it doesn't then it ain't.

Tuesday, September 21, 2004

Overheating

Compared to the car I had before I can't complain at all, but why the hell is my car overheating? And why the hell does it have to happen exactly two days before I go on a nice vacation trip to Chicago, ah?

I'm gona be drinking, partying and spending all the money that I don't have but I need to get out and have fun. So why do I have to spend an extra, who knows, hundred bucks perhaps fixing my car?

And tomorrow -I always leave everything for the last minute I know- have so many things to do before the trip.... but hey! I'm going to C H I C A G O ! ! ! ! ! !


Sake

Posting just for the sake of posting! Sunny outside, dark inside and I have to work tonight. My levels of caffeine are running low, I'll head for the coffee machine to get my second dosis of the day.

A Crap and a Ring

Why is it that right when you're sitting on the "electric chair" taking a crap the phone has to ring? I've been sitting in front of my computer for the last 4 hours or so and the phone had been as silent as a broken stereo, but once I went off to "take care of business" -which by the way lasted less than 3 minutes, the Nokia tune erupted leaving a "1-missed call" message in the screen of my cell. And before you post a comment about the caller-id function in the phone, well, I don't have one 'cause that's an extra 5 bucks in my ever larger list of bills to pay every month.

And now that I think about those special moments in the life of every person, how about when you leave your car's window rolled half way down so that the car doesn't feel as an oven when you come back, just to realize that hell break loose and it's raining buckets of water even though it was just warm and sunny few minutes ago?

Sunday, September 19, 2004

I've Lost my Inspiration, my Appetite and my Ability to Love

I'll say today that she's pretty much gone from my mind, my heart and my soul; taking with her not only what I loved the most (her) but those three things that kept my mind clear at times: my inspiration to write, my appetite for ever greater amounts of pasta, and my ability to love someone other than a hundred dollar bill.

She's not with me, around me, inside me, and she is not either in those places we once went to together and which used to remind me of her back in spring and summer. The leaves are falling from the trees in these early September days, and my memories of her are bailing out of my head like rats from a sinking ship.

The thought of her doesn't keep me awake after midnight like it used to do, staring at the ceiling fan in my bedroom trying to fight back her absence and the summer heat. I don't feel lost anymore during week days or restless during weekends, wandering around town. I don't open my e-mail hoping (and wishing and God please listen to my prayers for Christ's sake!) for a message from her in my inbox... and my cell phones doesn't play the tunes of love, our love. Fuck I just let it ring, anyway it could only be a collector or a telemarketer.

During the weeks and months after our encounter, my body, mind and soul were devoted to worship her. During that time I went through the whole range of feelings the human hormones could possibly produce, leaving me with a hangover so deep and intense that if I didn't know it was due to her absence, I would've checked my self in the hospital arguing the proximity of my own death.

Back then I felt happy at a times looking at our pictures together and remembering our kisses and caresses. I also felt sad, very sad due to her absence; I felt desperation and confusion by having found and lost my soul mate. I felt anger with her and with me for being together even though we knew it was just temporary. Every now and then I Felt hope to see her again some day; jealousy towards those guys who were around her; hate to her previous boyfriends and lovers. Sitting in a bookstore staring at my coffee and surrounded by people I felt a terrible loneliness and at the very same time I was suspicious for not receiving news from her in the last 24 hours. I even felt resignation together with sadness knowing that time and space will erode our feelings, not to mention irritation for not being able to fly there and see her, touch her, huge her, kiss her, love her and make her mine. But above all I felt longingness, knowing that there's just no hope and that might be why it feels so sad. Maybe we could have returned together, but I could have never bring back those special moments.

The people at the YMCA -the gym where I go- where at least glad that I wasn't as full of energy as before, leaving an empty tread mill during my peak hour visits. But if during those 3 weeks that she spent with me I had been a rollercoster of feelings, after her departure my mood was like a brick thrown overboard a ship, going deeper and deeper to the bottom. Living a tasteless life, hibernating.

It's been 6 months since her departure, and yesterday I got an e-mail from her with a link to a web-based photo album. Thirty nine pictures of her and some of her friends in what appeared to be a nice weekend trip to a resort. A lot of pictures of her in a nice little bikini by the pool, and a big party during the night. Few months ago those pictures would have raised my blood pressure to the roof both by seeing her two piece swimming suit, and those guys with whom she was happily drinking and laughing (in her bikini), but now I just saw'em as a nice weekend trip with some of her friends. By just thinking about her I used to catch my breath, now my heart rate was as flat as it could.

I'm in a period of my life where there's no girl in the present or in the horizon (and if I stretch it a little bit) not even in the past that could make me feel those butterflies fluttering in my stomach -butterflies that at times felt like bats. Am I perhaps at a point when the only logical explanation to what I'm feeling and thinking can be summarize as being plainly fucked up?

I'm going to think about it very carefully tonight... but before I'm gona get a nice ice cold can of Coke; I'll surf the internet for a while looking for free and tasteless short-porn clips to watch; then I'll indulge myself in some first-person shooting mindless computer game (like a hostage rescue mission in Rainbow Six where I can massacre the hostages or shot my own teammates recklessly); and then maybe I'll just go to bed and would think about what I've wrote sometime next week.

My mental health and future depends on it but if I can do it tomorrow, then why should I bother today?

From Over There to Over Here -in Time and Space

Color TV was introduced in America in 1951... in my home, back in South America it was introduced (phisically "introduced" in our family room) in 1981, thirty years later! I can still remember that day, I was in third grade and it was perhaps the only time that my family had breakfast together on a week day.

But 30 years! That's a very long fucking time. I've been living in the heart of the US for 3 years now, and sometimes when I look back at my life it seems to me like if I grew up in a whole different world in time and space. Putting aside the electronic gadgets that make life easier (or more complicated), the relationships that I see among families, friends, couples and parent-children here in America are sometimes ah, er, kind of different as compared to what I grew up in. Comparison in America means assigning right and wrong, and good and bad. For me comparisons are just parallel universes in the same reality. Both are good if you learn from them and if it helps you grow to respect and understand other people.

I thought for example that America was an awful place to grow up in if you were a teenager; I based my theory on my experiences back in KY when I was 17 years old and on the difficulties and "big deals" that I found when it came to drinking, going to bars and discos, and the damn speed limit, as opposed to the rules and regulations -and freedoms- in my home country.

Over time however, I've grown to realize that there's just so much than just alcohol, parties, hangovers and speed limit in this life... oh my God, I can't believe I just said that!

Wednesday, September 15, 2004

Standards of Behavior*

1. Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.
If you have to repay an evil behavior with kindness, how do you repay kindness? Should the masochist go and inflict pain on his neighbor? This rule is more theory than anythig else and nobody really applies it.

2. The Silver Rule: Do not do unto others what you would not have them do unto you.
Do not repay violence with violence, but don't be compliant and obedient either.

3. The Brass or Brazen Rule: Do unto others as they unto you.
This is the typical 'an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth' approach; wich also includes 'one good turn deserves another'

4. The Iron Rule: Do unto others as you like, before they do it unto you.
In other words: that who has the gold makes the rules. This is the approach of the powerful.

5. The Tin Rule: Suck up to those above you, and abuse those below.
This is combination of rules: the golden rule for superiors and the iron rule for inferiors.

6. Kin Selection: Give precedent in all things to close relatives, and do as you like to others.
Do you need any further explanation for this one?

And now comes the golden question: what rules do you apply?

*Taken from "Billions and Billions" by7 Carl Sagan.

Friday, September 10, 2004

Chronology

By reading William's blogg earlier today (he's planning to write his biography), I started thinking about my life and what has happened in it. What has been the ups and downs; the happiest single moment and the best period of my life; also the hardest and the saddest -single moment and period of time-; and now that I think about it, how about that girl that I've loved the most, who has been my dearest friend; also the number one ass hole that came across my path; the craziest thing I've ever done. If I dig deep into my past, what is the first memory that I have of my life, the first memory ever made?

Damn that's a lot of thinking ahead!

For the time being and just for the record I'm just going to do a very quick and very vague chronology of my life. Believe it or not I've traveled a lot in my life and I can affirm that I've crossed the world. One day I left home facing westwards, and 18 months later I came back from the east. The story of those 18 months is without any doubt the most interesting part of my life; those months are like Walmart: you could find anything! I refer to the time when I live in China (yes, China the country in Asia... long story and many stories). OK, I'm just going to cut through all this red tape and just going to write down the chronology, the details will come later.

1973: I was born.
1974-75/76: don't remember shit. I'll have to try harder, maybe something will pop up.
1977-1978: I remember being in kindergarten and being a complete "Tasmanian Monster" according to what my parents remember. I got kicked out of school because I was a ruthless little devil in the skin of a red-haired angel.
1979: I entered first grade and even remember my first day. All confuse, surrounded by children crying and pissing themselves and as I went to a private catholic school my teacher was a nun. From here on my memories are clear, specially at school, kind of blurred if I think of home.
1979-1983: Elementary school. I remember pretty much everything: from starring at some of the nuns underwear to the friends that I had.
1983-1987: Middle school. My levels of testosterone were ski high, I do remember that. Very clear memories. Fucking lot of troubles specially with my parents.
1987-1990: High School until the end of my junior year. That summer all my family left for the Caribbean and left me home alone because I failed a class (actually failed trig and philosophy and had to take two summer school classes). August 1990-July 1991: I was exchange student in Kentucky (I was born and grew up in South America). The LONGEST year of my life. I wrote a blog not long ago about, scroll down and you'll find it.
August 1991-July 1992: My senior year.
Summer 1992-summer 1993: I went to the army in my country -it's mandatory. Fucking long year carrying an m-16 on my back and having to obey orders ranging from when to go to the bathroom to how to kill someone with your hands (and knife, a rock, a machine gun, etc.)
August 1993-June 1997: University. Down in South America I enrolled in a 5-year double degree: Finance and political science. June 1997 is the end of my 4th year.
July 1997 - January 1999: I lived in China. Tons of stories, I'll write more about it later.
January 1999 - December 2000: finished school. A hell of a lot of problems I had when I went back to South America... fucking tough times.
2000 - June 2001: worked, partied, smoked weed and worked some more.
June 2001 - today: Life in the US. Got a Master's Degree in Business Administration, worked doing all kind of things (server, waiter, painting houses, flipping burgers, barista, translator, mowing the land, cater, etc.)

TODAY: blogging and looking for a job!

Shit I'm exhausted! more to come soon, hopefully not as boring as what I just wrote.

Tuesday, September 07, 2004

Trainspotting

Choose Life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a fucking big television, choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players. Choose good health, low cholesterol and dental insurance. Choose fixed interest mortgage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose your friends. Choose leasurewear and matching luggage. Choose a three-piece suit on hire purchase in a range of fucking fabrics. Choose DIY and wonder where the fuck you are on a Saturday morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing, spirit-crushing game shows, stuffing fucking junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pissing your last in a miserable home no more than an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked up brats you spawned to replace yourself.
Choose your future. Choose Life.

Our Land

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