Cheeky
I got so frikking lost in this city today! Was actually outside the city, but still, got lost as f*ck! Had to get new tires for my car and on my way to Walmart I took a wrong turn; a more accurate statement would be that I kept going instead of turning. I was on the interstate, because that's the fastest way to go to the Super Center and there was this huge Y that will take you further south and deeper into South Carolina, or back to another interstate and north towards CLT. I had to go south in order to reach Walmart, had to point my car to the vastness of this redneck land but I was on the phone, and to drive and talk is like to walk and chew gum for me: impossible. It took me forever to realize where I was, to make some sort of exit and turn and head the other way only to miss my exit again!
Anyways I had to take a drug test today too, so I decided to do that before heading back into the maze of exits, highways, intersections and the alike in order to get to Walmart. My boss thinks that I snore cocaine in the mornings because I arrive breathing fire and looking for a brawl, full of energy, yelling orders and pointing fingers to everybody including him. But after a heavy lunch I kind of slow down so he also thinks that I roll one at the Chinese Buffet's bathroom so that I can be mellow the rest of the afternoon, and therefore not very productive.
Nahh the drug test was for something different; and I'm completely clean, unless they also look for caffeine and an extremely high level of testosterone running through my blood stream denoting the lack of some hanky-panky as of lately. Maybe if my boss sees the results he would understand me and maybe would introduce me some "prospects". Bad idea. Because he had put that offer on the table a couple of times before but it requires my presence in the singles group of his church, Sunday morning, and that's a no-no right now.
That woman at the drug test was a crazy bitch. The assistant was ok but the woman who handle my sample was so rude. Just by looking at her one could deduce that she was having a bad hair day; and when my turn arrived she didn't even return my greeting (that I gave with an smile). She gave me a plastic recipient and pointed to a toilet while instructing me to produce a sample. I took my time to take my jacket off and to put it carefully on a chair across from her desk. I went into the restroom to produce the sample and it was perfect timing because I was peeing my pants. That sample is reason 56,814 section B of why I prefer to be a man: you can pee standing up and wherever the hell you want.
I pee in the plastic container, which BTW was the size of a coffee mug, and fill it half way through. But then I remembered this bitch being a complete byotch to me and I decided to go the extra mile and fill it a little bit more: first three quarters full and then I decided just to keep going and to "top it off". That shit looked like a cappucino once I was done with foam on top and everything! I even spilled a little bit and got it in my hand while trying to button my pants and at the same time holding the SAMPLE in the other. When I came out I tried to hide my smile and to give her a poker face, but she knew I'd done it on purpose. She turned around and saw that stuff filled way beyond the red line that said "max" and it completely ruined an already bad day for her. Ooops, sorry!
Before she could say anything about how much I'd produced, I sat the container on her little desk. When she picked up the pee-mug I could see that there was a round mark on the table like when you're drinking a cold soda and it sweats leaving a mark. . . hahaha that was my signature right there! She put some gloves on [like if she was handling pee or something like that], and transfer a little bit to another smaller container. She spilled some on the floor because it was *ooops* too full!
Then she handed me back the mug and order me, like if we were in the army, to dump the rest on the toilet, and when I came back out I handed it to her but she pointed to the trash can. What a waste I thought, it was used only one time and is already gone. As a side note, even though it was nice and cold today in the South, my urine was very warm, warmer than I thought. Is it perhaps the proximity to my Palm Tree that it even had some steam coming up? Hmmm should do a little research.
She gave me some copies of everything and left the room without saying bye-bye or anything like that: talk about bad manners and that woman. But I took my time to gather my jacket and to put it on, and also to fold the paper work and put in my inner pocket of my jacket so when I was on my way out she was on the hallway and I manage to thank her and to squeeze a "God bless you m'am". Good God I can be so cheeky some times.
Anyways I had to take a drug test today too, so I decided to do that before heading back into the maze of exits, highways, intersections and the alike in order to get to Walmart. My boss thinks that I snore cocaine in the mornings because I arrive breathing fire and looking for a brawl, full of energy, yelling orders and pointing fingers to everybody including him. But after a heavy lunch I kind of slow down so he also thinks that I roll one at the Chinese Buffet's bathroom so that I can be mellow the rest of the afternoon, and therefore not very productive.
Nahh the drug test was for something different; and I'm completely clean, unless they also look for caffeine and an extremely high level of testosterone running through my blood stream denoting the lack of some hanky-panky as of lately. Maybe if my boss sees the results he would understand me and maybe would introduce me some "prospects". Bad idea. Because he had put that offer on the table a couple of times before but it requires my presence in the singles group of his church, Sunday morning, and that's a no-no right now.
That woman at the drug test was a crazy bitch. The assistant was ok but the woman who handle my sample was so rude. Just by looking at her one could deduce that she was having a bad hair day; and when my turn arrived she didn't even return my greeting (that I gave with an smile). She gave me a plastic recipient and pointed to a toilet while instructing me to produce a sample. I took my time to take my jacket off and to put it carefully on a chair across from her desk. I went into the restroom to produce the sample and it was perfect timing because I was peeing my pants. That sample is reason 56,814 section B of why I prefer to be a man: you can pee standing up and wherever the hell you want.
I pee in the plastic container, which BTW was the size of a coffee mug, and fill it half way through. But then I remembered this bitch being a complete byotch to me and I decided to go the extra mile and fill it a little bit more: first three quarters full and then I decided just to keep going and to "top it off". That shit looked like a cappucino once I was done with foam on top and everything! I even spilled a little bit and got it in my hand while trying to button my pants and at the same time holding the SAMPLE in the other. When I came out I tried to hide my smile and to give her a poker face, but she knew I'd done it on purpose. She turned around and saw that stuff filled way beyond the red line that said "max" and it completely ruined an already bad day for her. Ooops, sorry!
Before she could say anything about how much I'd produced, I sat the container on her little desk. When she picked up the pee-mug I could see that there was a round mark on the table like when you're drinking a cold soda and it sweats leaving a mark. . . hahaha that was my signature right there! She put some gloves on [like if she was handling pee or something like that], and transfer a little bit to another smaller container. She spilled some on the floor because it was *ooops* too full!
Then she handed me back the mug and order me, like if we were in the army, to dump the rest on the toilet, and when I came back out I handed it to her but she pointed to the trash can. What a waste I thought, it was used only one time and is already gone. As a side note, even though it was nice and cold today in the South, my urine was very warm, warmer than I thought. Is it perhaps the proximity to my Palm Tree that it even had some steam coming up? Hmmm should do a little research.
She gave me some copies of everything and left the room without saying bye-bye or anything like that: talk about bad manners and that woman. But I took my time to gather my jacket and to put it on, and also to fold the paper work and put in my inner pocket of my jacket so when I was on my way out she was on the hallway and I manage to thank her and to squeeze a "God bless you m'am". Good God I can be so cheeky some times.
Jean-Francois was drunk at 8:53 PM
2 Comments:
i feel bad for the lady. imagine if that were your job. to handle people's warm pee day in and day out! ok, don't, that's depressing. i would probably be bitch too if i had that job, unless i didn't have a brain.
oh and that's (the inability to do two things at once) why i cannot do retail - if i attempt to make small talk with the customer while ringing them up, either i make no sense at all or it takes me a half hour to ring them up correctly.
That certainly doesn't sound like a pleasant job... until you run into a nice guy like me to brighten up your day! ok, not that much, just a nice guy.
But the more miserable one thing one is in a job, the worse it gets. Just a "little" positive behavior towards one's main source of income could help.
And I know I should've not done what i did...
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