A pinch of Salt

I have perfectly clear in my mind the reasons that brought me to cut ties with her for almost a whole semester. I remember like if it was yesterday our last conversation: her reassuring words, pouring out of my cell phone telling me not to worry about anything because she was gona be there for me. And I also remember calling her that day, that very same fateful Saturday trying to get a hold of her. I even remember picturing her, looking at the screen of her cell phone blinking and showing my name on the screen, and she just letting it ring, unattended. At that time it was hard for me to believe that someone close to me, someone that I had open my heart to would betray me right at that moment.

There's moments in a life of a men when there's despair and restlessness in his heart; times when a men is sad, very sad, and needs to surround himself with people that understands and who are fully aware of what is going on in his life. There's also a time when he needs to go out drinking, trying to drawn in alcohol those demons that hunt him down making his life miserable. It's in moments like those when he needs a friend, nothing more but nothing less than a friend. Imagine the days when you were a kid and were trying to learn to ride a bike; you know that your dad will be there holding you so that you would not fall. That's how I felt in those days about her: she was right there waiting to hold my hand. And I couldn't been more wrong.

I'm not a very demanding friend; I'd fall in the "laid back" type of friend asking for only two things: lack of drama and loyalty. Above all loyalty. If there's drama, that means our friendship will expire in a matter of minutes as I'd just detach myself from it. If you like drama, you don't like me, it doesn't get any easier. And drama is very easy to spot, unlike loyalty or the lack of it. As little as I demand from my friends, I do expect that when the time comes for them to step up to the plate, they'll hit a home run. You'll not have to read the tea leaves to know when I really need you, and not need to worry about checking your crystal ball to see if that's the day I'm gona knock on your door: I'll let you know with clear words and actions, and in advance, that the time has come. And I'll tell you how important it is for me that you help me out. She failed me big time and therefore, not wanting bullshit in the form of lame explanations, I severed all ties with her.

To add insult to injury, I never got a message from her. We have each other's phone number, e-mail and real world addresses, on top of living as close as a mere three minute-car ride in a straight line. After that day when we were suppose to see each other I never got a single message from her. Not even a single note, a one line text message. Nada. The following days I expected in vain news from her, but absolutely nothing came from her, not even spam. That really makes you think how fucking wrong you were in choosing your friends and in classifying her as someone I could count on. Her, among the other people around me. . . talk about the fall of an idol and that shit.

On new year's day I got an e-mail from her inviting me to join her and her girl friends later that night to give a final farewell to this "fucking year that is finally dawning on us". It came as a surprise and it brought a smile to my face. I already had plans for that night but I decided to cancel them and join her (in all honesty I'd say that 30% of me wanted to see her and mend our broken friendship; and the remaining 70% wanted to know who her new girlfriends that she wanted to "introduce" to me looked like. That was a very cheap trick but it worked, even though her girlfriends weren't what I was expecting).

More than six months have passed since the last time we spoke and a hug was enough to wash off whatever problems we had. I would've liked to talk to her about what happened, but I know that she doesn't listen and doesn't like to use her brain too often. I'm also aware that the term "emotional intelligence" that is commonly refered to a state of mind where you try to get to know yourself and the people around you better in order to have a deeper understanding of who you are, has not entered her conscious or subconscious mind and will never do. More than a "good friend" I consider that we both have a lot of things in common and have gone through a lot of struggles together in a whole variety of topics, and that we've shared a lot of our very deep and personal thoughts on certain matters which have lead us to become very close to each other even though we're not best friends. A better word to describe our relationship is to say that we're allies. That defines very well what we are.

So together with her girlfriends and some other friends we party the night away trying to leave behind a year that was nothing but very fucking difficult. The next morning we said good-bye with the promise of keeping in touch and, according to the definition of our relationship as allies, I'll do something for her and she'll do something for me and we'll check on each other later this week. I'd say that this year started with things between the two of us back to "normal", but I know and I'm fully aware that I have to take her words and promises with much more than just a pinch of salt.