On Hell and Car Repairs

For me hell has to be a place that is hot; hot as hell. But I won't be wearing my swimming trunks, not even my Speedo with which I used to "break the waves" when I was younger. Hell is place where I have to wear a suit, a tie and will always be late for an appointment; a place where I'll be sweating like a horse and with no way to cool down. Hell for me would also be a place where I'd have to deal with mechanics and a broken down car; always something going wrong with the car and no matter how much money and time is spent trying to fix it, the car is not gona run smoothly. Hell is a place where a guy in the front desk of a car shop sporting little horns, a goat tee and a trident will greet me with a big smile repeating the words "everything is gona be alright" and will let me loose in a car with the line "everything is fine now; if something is wrong, just bring it back".

Don't you understand motherfucker that if I took the thermostat out of my little car is because after not two nor three, but four visits to my previous mechanic, the car was still overheating? And by installing a brand new thermostat (like the previous two) things are not gona fall magically in place fixing whatever problem is under the hood? If you assure me that by putting back a thermostat things are gona be ok, then why the fuck do I have to call you back trying hard not to say how much of a piece of shit you and your mechanics are?! I didn't go to the AAA shop just because I like your awful coffee and your overpriced service, but because I really wanted to get rid of a fucking problem that was bugging me! But after an unexpected self-inflicted Christmas gift of $687, why is it that it's overheating again? Maybe because you guys are just worthless, expensive as hell but worthless! Odd description, don't you think?

And I didn't take my car to my regular mechanic because that dude just cannot be on time for a very simple appointment. I would love to hang out by his shop waiting for him, but I have stuff to do, people expect to see me at the office on time and looking busy and not just waiting for him out in the cold. Why is it that people from Latin America just can't be on fucking time? I completely understand that shit happens: tires go flat, you take an extra twenty minutes in the shower, a wrong turn might be taken and you cannot make it on time, fully understand that. But how about a phone call saying that you're gona be late. That will be cool. And how about if you have an appointment with a client [me in this case] and you just don't show up because you forgot. . . can't you just hold a thought for more than twenty four hours in your brain without becoming retarded? Get a little daily planner and write down appointments for fucks sake! Just because I'm a nice guy it doesn't mean that I don't get frustrated and upset for your lack of respect and puntuality.
You see, my mechanic got on my nerves the last time I saw him and I decided to go to another place where they could not only look at what was wrong with my little car but that could also be on time. And there I go, spending money in the most expensive car shop in town and getting nothing other than a headache in return.

And to my little car: dude, is ok to have an ache here and there, you're not brand new after all, but don't start coughing and running temperature when I've already committed a big chunk of my funds in a whole variety of activities that happen around this time of the year. I know that is not your fault, and is not that you're just a spoiled little car wanting to get my attention, you know that I care for you. But don't be a biotch and get the fuck better! Our relationship is not like those marriages back in the days "until death do us apart", and as much as I like you I know that there's a big chance that we will not be holding hands when the next decade arrives. And I'm not threatening to drive you to the junkyard, of course not, but there's just certain amount of bullshit a human being can take. You've witnessed that I've had to put up with a lot of it ever since we hook up, but the last person thing I expect bullshit from is you little piece of shit my little super fast red car. So please, just between you and me, get better once and for all and I'll throw a tune-up just for you, how about that?! And if you want, I can drive you to that place near the border with South Carolina where all this pretty girls with tiny little bikinis wash cars while pretending that they're having a blast doing it. That will have to wait until the summer of course, but I'm a man who treasures his word and I'll do my part. . . but you go ahead and do yours and get the fuck better, pleeeeeease?