Upset

My stomach is a bit upset today, maybe was that stuffed chicken that I devoured for lunch and all that stuffing that came with it. No doubt that stuffing was a very colorful mix of all the stuff that the restaurant couldn't sell over the weekend and that it was either the trash can, or one lucky customer: me, in this case. But even though my stomach is upset, I'm not upset with them; actually I understand them, that was a very simple business decision, the dumpster or few more bucks. But shit, why me?!

My downstairs neighbor is not upset with me. . . yet. But I can sense that she'll soon be. Yesterday when I got home, she had her door open and even though she called me I pretended I didn't hear her. Somehow I could smell in the air not only that she'd been smoking those long narrow cigarettes of hers [Capri], but that she was gona try to go for the kill and ask me to baby sit her cat, nine lives and all while she's away. Today I didn't see her, but the cat was in her window checking me out as I came up the stairs. Perhaps my neighbor told him that I was the lucky one who was gona give him food, water and would clean his shit. Maybe the cat is analyzing me in order to find a way to make my live miserable; maybe he already knows how much I hate cockroaches and he'll have a whole family of them hungry and waiting for me.

My parents and my elder sister are upset with me. And it seems to me that everytime we talk, they find something to get upset for. This was gona be the topic of a long post, but I decided not to. Long and convulsive story very short: my sister is getting married and I'm not gona be able to make it to her wedding. She was gona tie the knot next year, but she followed my sarcastic comments that she better hurry up before her fiance finds out how much of a bitch she is and call off the event; so she decided to move the wedding to the day after tomorrow [or was it today maybe?]. I know, I'm such a bad brother. . . but relationships between siblings have to be based on understanding, patience and sharing like any other relationship in life, and my elder sister and moi never had much in common other than our last names. Plus is really impossible for me to go back in such a short notice due to my job, my VISA status. . . OK, I'm gona stop here. That's why I didn't want to write about this because it can easily take a lot of room. Summarizing: my parents and elder sister are upset with me [but not my younger sister, who's the one I really care for, so no big deal].

My family in law is upset with me; well sort of. Reason number one is the whole wedding thing and the fact that I am not gona appear in the family pictures, but that's just maybe 10% of the whole thing. The other 90% is the fact that I haven't been back to their church and that I'm definitely not going back there. They called me today to "chat" and by the way they asked me why I haven't been back to the church in the last two weeks, I could sense some tension in the air. I was honest to them and told them that two weeks ago I was terrible hungover after all the Halloween celebrations; and last Sunday I was busy either sleeping or blogging, or just staring at the ceiling. I could tell that they were "disappointed" with my answers but I was honest to them. I haven't told them that I consider that church and their rituals and their Bible study group and the singles group and all that stuff a complete waste of time for me, but confrontation would lead to nowhere with them. I'd rather prefer to tell them, little by little and surrounded by plenty of signs, that even though I am a nice guy I am definitely not church-material. But I know that I'm heading towards a confrontation there.

And I'm a bit upset with myself. . . for quite a few reasons. But the one at the heart of the situation is the fact that I still have to come to terms with myself on a lot of stuff. I still have to move from talking to action when it comes to accepting myself the way I am with the whole range of qualities and defects that I have. Lately, and little by little, I've been analyzing myself, the way I act and think, and I've reached some conclusions that need to be taken to the real world. The secret of happiness and perhaps the secret of life is to feel comfortable with yourself both physically and mentally, and I still have a lot of work to do in that department. OK, this is a fascinating topic [me! me! me!] but I'm gona cut it here, promising to write extensively about it in the near future [if I can stop procrastinating of course].

And I've saved the best for the last. I report, you decide. . .

While talking to my mom she came with a thousand reasons why I HAD to be at the wedding, being one of them the family pictures. You have to understand that my mom was raised in a very Aristocratic family in South America and she'd always thought that she comes from, and belongs to, a better family than everybody else, including even the nuclear family that she conceived. When she said that "how could that be" that I was not gona be in the pictures I told her not to worry, that she could e-mail them to me and I'd Photoshop myself into them. "You'd photo WHAT?!" -she said with a frustrated tone. "I'd photoshop myself into the pictures mom; that's an easy process and not a big deal".

That last line just send her through the roof, I'm sure. But believe me, I was being completely honest with her and really trying to find a solution to her concerns. I guess that was one of those good ideas that so often pop up in my mind but that end up being not that good at all. But don't tell me that it wasn't a very fucking good idea, wasn't it? Hell yes it was!