Evidence!
There's a thought that have been revolving around my head for quite a while, and even though there has been plenty of evidence to sustain it, I could never really find that smoking gun to prove my point. Until today, of course, otherwise I wouldn't be talking about this.
One of the worst places to be on earth is either in the middle of winter without heat, or outside right at noon in the middle of August with a tie, a suit and an appointment in ten minutes. Also to be in an airplane that is malfunctioning or a boat that is sinking. Or in a shopping mall, at least for me. I could get into a mall and walk maybe for half an hour, perhaps an hour, but if you want me to stay more than that, make sure you inject me with a tranquilizer for cattle, or even better, a venti doses of morphine and tie a a leash to my neck, like a dawg, so that I cannot run away.
My shopping behavior mirrors how Vietnam was originally intended: get in and get out. When I walk into a mall I know exactly where I want to go and what I want to see and eventually buy. I may (and often do) stop to see something on display that catches my attention, and I either try it and buy it, or keep walking. When I get to where I was heading to, I apply the same technique: find my size, the color(s) that I was looking for, head for the dressing room, see before if it fits and how good it does, and then check on colors and how I may combine it with my existent pool of clothes. Then I either buy it right away, or make a mental note in order to come back and buy it upon further reflection and examination. Easy and to the point.
Today I went to the mall *hugh* and head straight to GAP in order to get me some badly needed underwear. I do have high hopes that some lucky lady would be looking at it VERY soon, even though the hard reality says otherwise, but hope is a very powerful instrument for keeping my head above the water these lonely days. So I walk in the mall and I start feeling some cramps and a little itching all over my neck, and by the time I pass the big fountain in the middle of it and the hUgE Christmas tree my left arm goes numb and heart failure have never felt so close as ever before. I try to concentrate in those beautiful and young blondes walking around while trying not to see all those huge discounts and shit and trying to keep my compass in one direction: GAP. I finally make it in one piece and after giving a crooked smile to one of the girls at the entrance, I head to where the men apparel is. . . or fucking was!
I turned around in disbelieve but the evidence was overwhelming: the men section of the store had disappeared, had been completely erased from the face of this planet and there was only stuff for girls. As I stood in the middle of the store, one of the girls approached me with the confidence in her eyes of a hundred battles won and even more questions answered under her belt when asked: Where the fuck is the men's stuff?
She looked at me with contempt and proceeded to answer "Honey, it moved loooong time ago, we girls took over the store, soon we'll be taken over the mall and in no time we'll be taking over the world and your procreation abilities because let's be honest mister, a men is nothing more than the useless part of the penis; and if you don't get the fuck out of here and shop online for your extra small size underwear. . ." But at that time I interrupted her because enough was enough and my Anaconda needs more room to stretch than a casual observer would think and you can call men monkeys but my palm tree deserves some fucking basic respect bitch!, and not wanting her to jump and try to find out by herself what I was talking about and abuse me right there, I asked her in a very polite way to shut the fuck up and tell me WTF happened to the male section of the store. "It moved to [whatever mall], sorry. But you can always shop online at GAP dot com where there's amazing discounts and blah blah blah blah blah
I've noticed over the years that the men's section in GAP, Banana, JCrew, etc. had been shrinking little by little, almost imperceptible by a casual dumb observer, but not for this red haired nerd. I've even noticed that the expansions or re-arrangements of the stores always took away more room out of the men's section than the girl's, but I'd kept my mouth shut until further evidence could be gathered, and I stroke gold today. Just as someone included me in some informal research project not long ago, I've also been conducting my very own research projects on other matters and this is just the tip of the iceberg, and let's not forget that an iceberg sank the fucking Titanic for starters. More than an evidence this is the smoking gun I was waiting for, the mushroom cloud, the silver bullet to use a phrase coined by Condi Rice before bombing the hell out of we-know-who and coming empty handed, but unlike her bloody hands, mine are filled with hard facts today.
And even though I got to play in the new xbox today at a computer store, and got to eat a cone of my all time favorite Strawberry-Kiwi sorbet from Ben&Jerry's, the truth of the matter is that my balls have been kept in place tonight, as I type this lines, by my old underwear. And they'll have to wait at least until next Friday in order to get new garments because two shopping malls in one day is waaaaaaaay fucking more than I can take on these early Christmas days. . .
One of the worst places to be on earth is either in the middle of winter without heat, or outside right at noon in the middle of August with a tie, a suit and an appointment in ten minutes. Also to be in an airplane that is malfunctioning or a boat that is sinking. Or in a shopping mall, at least for me. I could get into a mall and walk maybe for half an hour, perhaps an hour, but if you want me to stay more than that, make sure you inject me with a tranquilizer for cattle, or even better, a venti doses of morphine and tie a a leash to my neck, like a dawg, so that I cannot run away.
My shopping behavior mirrors how Vietnam was originally intended: get in and get out. When I walk into a mall I know exactly where I want to go and what I want to see and eventually buy. I may (and often do) stop to see something on display that catches my attention, and I either try it and buy it, or keep walking. When I get to where I was heading to, I apply the same technique: find my size, the color(s) that I was looking for, head for the dressing room, see before if it fits and how good it does, and then check on colors and how I may combine it with my existent pool of clothes. Then I either buy it right away, or make a mental note in order to come back and buy it upon further reflection and examination. Easy and to the point.
Today I went to the mall *hugh* and head straight to GAP in order to get me some badly needed underwear. I do have high hopes that some lucky lady would be looking at it VERY soon, even though the hard reality says otherwise, but hope is a very powerful instrument for keeping my head above the water these lonely days. So I walk in the mall and I start feeling some cramps and a little itching all over my neck, and by the time I pass the big fountain in the middle of it and the hUgE Christmas tree my left arm goes numb and heart failure have never felt so close as ever before. I try to concentrate in those beautiful and young blondes walking around while trying not to see all those huge discounts and shit and trying to keep my compass in one direction: GAP. I finally make it in one piece and after giving a crooked smile to one of the girls at the entrance, I head to where the men apparel is. . . or fucking was!
I turned around in disbelieve but the evidence was overwhelming: the men section of the store had disappeared, had been completely erased from the face of this planet and there was only stuff for girls. As I stood in the middle of the store, one of the girls approached me with the confidence in her eyes of a hundred battles won and even more questions answered under her belt when asked: Where the fuck is the men's stuff?
She looked at me with contempt and proceeded to answer "Honey, it moved loooong time ago, we girls took over the store, soon we'll be taken over the mall and in no time we'll be taking over the world and your procreation abilities because let's be honest mister, a men is nothing more than the useless part of the penis; and if you don't get the fuck out of here and shop online for your extra small size underwear. . ." But at that time I interrupted her because enough was enough and my Anaconda needs more room to stretch than a casual observer would think and you can call men monkeys but my palm tree deserves some fucking basic respect bitch!, and not wanting her to jump and try to find out by herself what I was talking about and abuse me right there, I asked her in a very polite way to shut the fuck up and tell me WTF happened to the male section of the store. "It moved to [whatever mall], sorry. But you can always shop online at GAP dot com where there's amazing discounts and blah blah blah blah blah
I've noticed over the years that the men's section in GAP, Banana, JCrew, etc. had been shrinking little by little, almost imperceptible by a casual dumb observer, but not for this red haired nerd. I've even noticed that the expansions or re-arrangements of the stores always took away more room out of the men's section than the girl's, but I'd kept my mouth shut until further evidence could be gathered, and I stroke gold today. Just as someone included me in some informal research project not long ago, I've also been conducting my very own research projects on other matters and this is just the tip of the iceberg, and let's not forget that an iceberg sank the fucking Titanic for starters. More than an evidence this is the smoking gun I was waiting for, the mushroom cloud, the silver bullet to use a phrase coined by Condi Rice before bombing the hell out of we-know-who and coming empty handed, but unlike her bloody hands, mine are filled with hard facts today.
And even though I got to play in the new xbox today at a computer store, and got to eat a cone of my all time favorite Strawberry-Kiwi sorbet from Ben&Jerry's, the truth of the matter is that my balls have been kept in place tonight, as I type this lines, by my old underwear. And they'll have to wait at least until next Friday in order to get new garments because two shopping malls in one day is waaaaaaaay fucking more than I can take on these early Christmas days. . .
Jean-Francois was drunk at 10:18 PM
3 Comments:
you should go to a higher end department store, like nordstrom's. i'm sure they'll have what you're lookign for there ;-)
oh PS another characteristic i forgot to mention of my "research" project: i have a history of dating guys who were not only argentine and left-handed, but also atheists (to be exact, i dated three of them who fit all three characteristics!)
I show up at Nordstrom every now and then; but when it comes to holding my manhood in place, I let GAP do the trick.
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