Doctor's Appointment

I had to go to the doctor today, an activity that ranks almost at the top of my list of stuff that I clearly dislike. A visit to the doctor ranks second only to a root canal procedure and perhaps just inches ahead of helping someone move all his shit to a new address.

While growing up I was always a very healthy child: I ate all my veggies, fruit, and every single food related product that was on my plate (except liver, ew); I also took Flinstone's vitamins which I loved and at times when my parents weren't watching I overdosed my self with them; I had a very caring grandma with a super cool maid that feed me truckloads of everything and were very happy to see such a healthy boy eat a month's worth of groceries in one afternoon; and I always washed my hands before sitting at the table, so getting sick and visiting the doctor and skipping school due to some illness was as foreign to me as I am to the Bible Belt.

But time is passing by, I'm not twenty years old anymore and things are starting to malfunction. My grandma passed away not long ago, I moved to the US and now I am the one who has to cook in order to keep my ever growing appetite at bay, a fucking difficult task my friends. And I also replaced those Flinstones vitamins for Redbull vodka so little aches here and there are starting to pop up every once in a while.

This visit to the doctor was due to my right eye, which was kind of red.

As you can see it wasn't red like in a red haired guy type of red, nor like a strawberry red. It was more like my little red car type of red, or maybe red as in bloody fucking red, kind of red. Red as in WTF happen to your right eye J-F or maybe red as in thirsty vampire looking for something to drink, some sort of red colored flavored soda coming out of someone's neck type of red. In other words, my eye was bloody red and had been like that for quite a few days, and even more so my eyes had been red for months now, on and off, but not as red as the day before yesterday and specially yesterday. I know I should've pay a visit to the doctor before, but if you skipped the first paragraph read it again: I DON'T like to go to the doctor unless there's a discomfort that an overdoses of Tylenol can't cure. Just don't fucking like.

I made an appointment with a practice near my place and once I was done with it, I was surprised with how many people are involved in a single and simple red eye condition. First I called to make an appointment and the lady that picked up the phone in the first ring, I swear, sounded like an automated message. I was waiting for the long list of options "press one for appointment, two for re-schedule, three" but she was like "hello?"; I told her that I wanted to make an appointment with the eye doctor and she transferred the call to another lady with the same "automated message" type of voice. I made an appointment for 8 AM and concluded that those ladies are in charge of solely answering the phone, re-directing calls and taking appointments.

This morning when I crossed the front door of the three-story building few minutes before 8 AM I was greeted by a lady who gave me some indications of where the doctor's office was located at. (I have to make clear here that even though I grew up in South America where everybody is always late for everything, that's one of the things that I didn't incorporate in my charming Latino personality and I'm always on fucking time). Down the hall I was greeted by another lady that made me fill some paper work, sign a huge disclaimer that I did without reading it and pointed me to the waiting area. While sitting there I updated my knowledge of Paris Hilton's whereabouts and did some sick people watching, which I have to confess they looked pretty normal to me.

Then another lady called my name, took me in the doctor's office and did some preliminary testing and asked me like a hundred questions about my eyes. I noticed that she'd had one too many cups of coffee in the morning because she didn't stop smiling and saying "great" and "awesome", and even said that in all those little tests that she conducted on me (eye pressure, follow the ball pen, etc.) I was doing "wonderful".


The doctor finally walked in, read all the information in the computer screen and asked me some more questions. He then proceed to check out what the fuck was wrong with my brown eyes and came up with a diagnosis and a prescription. He was cool enough to give me the free samples that he gets saving me quite a few bucks.

Then when my favorite moment of the morning came, the time to pay, another lady behind a little desk that had had a very bad night took care of it. It really surprised me that it was only ninety three bucks, not a penny more, not a penny less. I tried to create a mental pie chart in order to know where the money was going to and it seemed to me that is was awfully cheap. I'm talking about seven people took care of me from my first phone call to the lady with the bad hair day, and it was less than a hundred greens. Certainly most of it will be splitted between the owners of the practice and the owners of the prime real estate where it sits, then the doctor and all the way down to the ladies answering the phone over at Bangalore.

My eyes turned out to be fine, but I have a skin condition that makes my eyes red. The doctor played it down saying that it was nothing to really worry about, and said that it wasn't necessary to go to the skin doctor to have that checked right now. He told me to follow his prescription (eye drops, hot compresses and a specially soap for my eye lids) and if things don't get better in 4-6 weeks he'll try something different. I did some further research on the internet and I know that I'm gona have to end up going to the skin doctor eventually as those rosacea pictures don't look pretty at all.

Time is passing by my dearest readers and I ain't getting any younger, that's for sure.