Steak'n Church

My co-workers are still trying to convert me into a fine young Christian guy, one who's a responsible member of the community and who'll end up going to church, praising the Lord and accepting Christ as his savior. If they only knew how rotten my mind and soul are they would not only stop inviting me to their churches' services but they'd denounce me as the devil himself -sort of speak of course.

This past Monday was Tom's turn.

He asked me last week at work if I liked "Steaks". "Hell Tom, I love steaks!" -I replied. "Good!" -he said, and invited me to go to his church to have a nice piece of steak and to listen to this pastor who is going to be in town and who grew up with Billy Graham -you know who Billy Graham is Jean-Francois, don't you- and who's a great preacher and who has a lot of very interesting things to say and it will be really nice to have you there Jean-Francois and don't worry I'll pay for your ticket and it's Monday night so don't make any plans and I'll introduce you to my wife and it'll be very nice and how nice that you're coming and well, don't forget to write it on your calendar and see you there.

Er. . . Tom. . . I. . . er. . . ahem!. . . er. . .

Good Jean-Francois I'll see you there!

Oh my friends, I just didn't have the heart to tell Tom, one of our nicest co-workers and who've been with the company for so long, that I didn't really wanted to go. So I marked Monday night as a night of steak and church.

I arrived a bit early and there was plenty of smiley faces and people shaking my hand and introducing themselves. While standing there I managed to take a look at the ticket that Tom had given me and I noticed that it was a "men's night" only, so all my hopes of meeting a nice and fine young Christian lady went down the drain. In the dinning room besides the ladies that did the cooking, there was only screwdrivers (men). But to my surprise I have to point out that the steak was really good; I was expecting a little tiny piece of meat but it turned out to be a big-o-thick piece with a baked potato, butter, salad, ranch dressing, sweet ice tea (of course), delicious rolls and for dessert, an all southern banana bread pudin topped with whipped cream. Fucking delicious my friends!

While eating the pastor gave us few words, told a couple of jokes, few stories, blessed the food and introduced a group of four guys who perform few songs. Not bad at all.

After that we went to the church upstairs for the main course of the night: the guest speaker/pastor/preacher. Once upstairs I noticed some fine young ladies running around and I certainly began to feel the presence of God: Go ahead tiger -I said to myself and started to look for possible victims, er I mean, fine young ladies that could turn my putrid soul around. Most of those girls were just too young for cool Jean-Francois, and according to the laws of the United States, I could go to jail if things go beyond a simple hand shake. In other words, they were all way underage. Though it didn't stop me for being a perfect gentleman and introducing myself to the people around me, giving a firm hand shake and looking straight in the eyes.

Up to that point everything was fine until the speaker started to talk about God. He started of course telling us a couple of funny and shallow stories and little by little started going deeper and deeper and what started as a nice preach turned into a sermon that convinced me that there's just no salvation for me at all.

He started saying that he was not going to talk about other religions and how wrong they are only to go head on to trash Hinduism, Buddhism, Scientology and of course Islam. He then proceeded to point out how rotten our society is putting as example the internet, television, video games, music and every possible channel of communication invented by human beings. He mentioned drugs, sex, rock'n roll and alcohol and all those nice things as the beginning of the end for us all. He went on and on and on talking about hell and heaven as places that actually exist, being one with flames and suffering and pain for eternity and the other with "streets of gold and walls of ivory"; he mentioned how important it was the resurrection of Jesus and how it happened only in Christianity, even making fun that Muslims worship the three places where the prophet Mohammed is buried up to this day. He read the Bible mentioning several times the importance of the resurrection of the flesh and blood of Jesus, and how he came back from the dead to hang out with his buddies for few days before taking off as the shuttle Discovery back to heaven.


Close to the end he made us stand up, close our eyes and bow our head for some final preaching. It took him like twenty more minutes to wrap it all and my neck was starting to hurt me and I was wondering how much frigging longer he was going to keep us like that. Finally he finished, whipped the sweat from his forehead and lead a group of newly converted souls to a room in the back to give them a book or something like that.

While he was giving us the sermon I did pay close attention to all the things that he said as that is not an experience that I have very often. But as the sermon progressed I found myself looking around at all those (legal) girls and ladies sitting around and having a lot of crazy thoughts and ideas and images and I have to confess it my friends, it was turning me on and at the same time I realized that I was in the frigging middle of the church and I had to bite my tonge not to laugh about myself. Some will call me a pervert, others the devil himself; but I'm just a guy trying to get over a girl and in need of some good sex these days.

At the end I said good-bye to all the people around me, including that 16ish year old girl that seated right behind me and who was looking at me straight in the eyes, and they all asked me when was I coming back. "Soon" -was my standard reply followed by a big smile. Tom walked me to my car and asked me my thoughts on the whole thing and that if I had any questions about anything he would help me answer them or could find someone to answer them for me. I wanted to tell him that my questions go way beyond that sermon and perhaps only I can answer them over time, but I just thank him for a nice time and that I'll see him around.

I find it very easy to love the concept of God that exists in the US; very easy and nice to go to a clean church with nice clothes where people will greet you with plenty of smiles and "y'all" this and "y'all" that, making you feel loved; to be in a nice church, in the shade with air conditioning and pretty girls around you listening to how great God is and how much he loves you and that in few years when your time arrives you'll be up in heaven living happily ever after if you accept Christ in your heart, makes it really hard not to say "Hell yes!" and jump in the wagon of salvation once and for all.

But I grew up in a developing country in South America where there's war and plenty of poverty; had the chance to live in China and to travel the world, and you need more than hot blood running through your veins to see a child that is digging a trash can for food straight in the eyes and tell her about the love of God.

Experiences throughout our lives shape us in ways that we can't understand, and to expect me to think that there's walls of ivory waiting for me around the corner is more than I can take these days.

Enough for today on this very interesting topic my friends, more to come "soon".