Breakfast

My landlord is a very cool guy. We were roommates for more than a year before he ate a piece of fish with an extremely high concentration of mercury, which made his brain malfunction and he end up proposing to his girlfriend. Now she's like eight months pregnant and tested positive in a routinary drug test at the middle school where she works at; tested positive for morphine.

He is about three times myself; not obese but he's just a big motherfucker. One of his arms is about the size of my leg, he's like 6'4 and he might weight more than double my 138 lbs at least. During the time we lived together we competed playing tennis, Project Gotham on his XBOX, PC video games and eating. On video games he always kicked my sorry ass; in XBOX I managed to keep my head above the water but just barely; in tennis we have pretty much the same level but as I'm lighter and more agile, I always end up kicking his wide ass. And when it came down to eating. . . the Indisputable Heavyweight Champion, without any type of doubt, was [drumroll please] Jean-Francois! We ate burgers, hot dogs, lasagnas, rice with chicken, mashed potatoes, southern BBQ, we went to all the all-you-can-eat-buffets around town, we went to Ruby Tuesday's, Friday's, Harper's, Apple Bees, etc., etc., etc. and I always end up having the last word. He would not have breakfast nor lunch just to see if he could beat me, but I, after having my usual cereal and an apple for breakfast, a nice size lunch and some mid afternoon snack would end up wiping out my whole plate -or plates if we were in a buffet.

I just came back from his place where we chat for a while and he told me the story of his wife testing positive for morphine. As I was on my way out, I saw that he had a lot of containers and shit with all kind of protein stuff and muscle development and vitamins and whatever you can imagine to be a big motherfucker like him. He told me that he was going to the gym and that he was planning to develop even bigger muscles. "You should try some of this" -he said to me, pointing out that "girls don't like skinny dudes like you." I asked him if that shit would make me fat, and he just rolled his eyes and said "I can't think of anything dude, anything in this fucking planet that could make you fat!" He certainly made me laugh, the bastard.

The day his wife had to take the drug test she had an "everything bagel" in the morning, and according to one of the doctors a concentration as high as the one she had could only be the result of an overdoses or a bagel, an every-fucking-thing-bagel. I know, it sounds crazy but after a week of doctors, lawyers and quite a few threats from my landlord she's back in the classroom teaching her students to say "no to drugs". If her poor students only knew. . .