On Crying

I wish I could cry; have some tears rolling from my eyes, cry like a baby, scream cry, cry and cry and cry until I feel thirsty. Wish I could cry while lying on my bed, cry while watching TV, cry in my car, in the shower, while brushing my teeth, while sipping a cup of coffee. Cry whenever the fuck I feel like fucking crying. I wish I could do it, man. Wish I could cry the way I cried that cold morning back in January 1999 on the Trans Siberian Train, when I left China and my girlfriend. Back then I cried and thought that I wouldn't stop until I reached Moscow; I cry and cry and cry, and every time I would think of her I would cry even more. And louder.

I wish I could do it again. Cry like a newborn and feel better afterwards; cry and forget for a while all the shit that revolves around me. Just fucking cry my eyes out, dude. Cry to get this knot out of my throat and my chest and pretend that after a good cry everything would be all right. Cry and let the world turn for a moment without thinking where is heading to. I wish I could just turn on the switch and let all those feelings loose; at least for a while, like when you take the dog for a walk, just let those feelings go with or without a leash and let them pee and shit outside my broken heart. Or just go to McDonald's and cry there, over a BigMc and a super size Coke. Perhaps just go to the Chinese Crazy Buffet near my place, ask for the spiciest sauce, put it all over my tofu and then cry and cry and cry and pretend that it is due to the spice; but I'll be crying my shit out, in public, and with a reason but without a reason .

I wish I could be more expressive when it comes to the things that I have in my heart and that sometimes seems like an elephant, stepping on one foot right on my chest while everybody around just cheers for the clowns and the trapeze artists to join us. I wish there could be a crying pill. There's enough happy pills out there to lift you up, but I would like to have a crying pill, one that will just open the gates of your feelings and you'll get dehydrated due to all those salty tears that will pour out of your eyes. I would like to cry and at the end of the day look like one of those boxers that got their ass kicked big time and who can barely open their eyes.

I only wish I could do it. But not once, I wish I could do it on regular basis. Maybe that's the one thing that I envy about girls, the ability that you guys have to have a good cry every now and then and feel better afterwards. I don't envy at all that you have to put up with us man and our hairy chest, our passion to sit for hours watching a stupid game on TV and our immaturity. I wish I could get a good cry and get all that bad energy out of your system and into a little handkerchief. Then you'll store those little handkerchiefs in a box and will have a record of your cries. Then, whenever human beings stop using technology to destroy things and kill people and do something good for humanity, you could maybe analyze those handkerchiefs and see the reasons for it on a DNA test.

Then you could look at it and smile, perhaps laugh, laugh out loud, keep laughing until your face turns red and you couldn't control your laughter. Laugh until you start crying and then it will be bittersweet tears pouring out of your eyes. All those salty and bitter moments would mix with your sweet memories, and you'll cry for both at the same time. Then you'll laugh and cry remembering yourself struggling with past problems and little things and how live just kept going, regardless. Your tears will then mix with more smiles and more laughs as a tragic comedy, but with no ending in sight. Cry so much that you end up laughing, or perhaps laugh so much that you don't know if those tears are of happiness or sadness or wass up with all that sobbing and shit.

I whish I could do it. A good cry every now and then. Oh Fuck! I only wish I could man.